Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Wait a second…
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted