Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Netflix and you sit over there.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.