me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
what day is it?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.