ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
No. YOU-buprofen.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim