St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
😅😅😅
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.