St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
calling in to work dehydrated
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.