St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The Assassin.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
#winning
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY