Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
#titanic
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The government even made aliens boring