St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Oh we’ve met.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.