St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Hotels are back
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Never forget.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further