St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Looking at you, Jesus.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever