I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?