St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.