St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Yup.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Support your local cemetery
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.