St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I put the p in pants.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.