St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Oh hi lol
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target