@thepunningman: St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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@UNTRESOR: [meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?
@CopBroughtPizza: [car dealership] "it's just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle." fred flintstone: i'll take it!
@WilliamAder: Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
@audipenny: person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON