St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear