St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Every work meeting this week
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Feels like there should be a middle ground