@Schmoodles: Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
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@tastefactory: If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
@daemonic3: [CSI at Starbucks] "Ma'am you've been robbed. Suspect is at large." Barista: At what? "At large" At what? "At venti?" OMG HOW AWFUL!!!