@Schmoodles: Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
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@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession] I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
@mariokeyparty: It's kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn't
@DainWins: [Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]