@Schmoodles: Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
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@Thynebear: I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom.
@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
@TheRolo: 911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.