*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.