[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
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Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.