That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?