stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My whole life was a lie.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.