stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg