“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Thrilling chase underway
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it