[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Facebook memories be like
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.