Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
You Might Also Like
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?