I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM