If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Holy moly
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: