STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.