[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
These 3D printers are insane!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?