bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job