they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.