WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside