{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You Might Also Like
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?