stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*