you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’d love this…lol
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I occasionally drink every single night.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”