[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack