@lindseyallen: Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
@chuuew: [the next jurassic park movie] ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again! ME: Why do people keep coming here...?
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Me: I find pregnant women attractive. She: But I'm not pregnant. Me: Gimme a few minutes.