[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
nobody’s gonna understand
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”