[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
What a chick magnet..
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
So creative 😂
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Risking my life for fun.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.