*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.