Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?