@ItsLaTourette: It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@djdarrellripley: Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@Reverend_Scott: God: welcome to heaven. here's your wings. Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won't be needing those.

@daemonic3: "Hi" My name is "What?" My name is "Who?" My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady *scribbles on cup* "Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I'll start your latte"

@AnkCoupleTO: [skating together on a frozen pond] Her: Isn't this romantic? Me: *sees a 'danger thin ice' sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah