@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible."
Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@Celestinelea90: My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
@RegularFred: Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.
@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don't have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
@JimmerThatisAll: In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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