@AndyRichter: If you like airborne fecal matter you'll love being alive on earth

@HolycrapitsaKat: No thanks "protected account". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.

@JB4Realz: Many people are shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.

@vexroid: Found $0.83 under my pillow. It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I'm a little worried about what I was paid for.

@krishna_van: Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me