@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.

@Celestinelea90: My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@RegularFred: Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.

@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken? Me: Probably the kids. Wife: We don't have any kids. Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@JimmerThatisAll: In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.