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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.