WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
absolutely not
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
🤣
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.