Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Do not steal food from the science building!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.