Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.