[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You Might Also Like
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels