[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.