[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A family that plays together cheats.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
WHO DID THIS?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.