*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
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Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.